The exact St Francis of Assisi that you’re referring to is this: “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek … to be understood as to understand.” However, according to the St Anthony Messenger, the best-selling Catholic magazine from the US, the quote itself does not appear in any of St Francis’ writing. The best way to handle #7 is to ask non-confrontational questions. They hear something and have a negative reaction, because they … Required fields are marked *. You listen with reflective skills, but you listen with intent to reply, to control, to manipulate.” Why is Empathic Listening So Powerful? Practice: Do not pretend to understand something when you don’t. First, a study at Princeton University (“Speaker-Listener Neural Coupling Underlies Successful Communication,” by Charles G. Gross, June 19, 2010) found that there is a lag between what you hear and what you understand. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. Ana calma from Philippines AUGUST 31, 2019 Exactly. With this level of listening, you seek to understand the other person, you don't interrupt or make assumptions. In which the mentor, by listening to understand, not to reply (not to respond ‘yes but’) supports the mentee to talk things out loud, to externalise their thoughts, in order to: Of course, there are other culprits. It’s very possible you will disagree with the speaker. Anonymous SEPTEMBER 13, 2018 Listen to learn what is being said. "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." I took a lot of notes from this and I think it’s really invaluable information. Your reply will then come from a basis of complete understanding. As a consequence, we don’t pay full attention to what the other person is saying or filter what is being said; … Or, click the Tags below for posts in specific categories. If you find yourself clarifying your notes instead of listening, stop immediately. To allow yourself to listen better, you need to think and work in a different way. You can learn sometng new. When you deeply listen with your whole body and mind to what another person is communicating, it helps them feel understood and valued. Shut out everything. "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Years ago, I can’t remember the book, but I remember reading the following expression… Listening to understand versus listening to respond. In order to listen to understand, you need to be aware of your emotions. It’s not easy to hone listening skills. Hey I thankyou for making this post. When talking with a customer or prospect, put yourself in the lower power position instead of a higher position. Effective listening encourages that we for understanding of what the other person talks about or feel. Typegrid Theme by WPBandit. It’s “out of the norm” to allow time for thought…and often interrupted by the same speaker wanting and prodding for instant gratification/response to what they’ve just said. Your only focus is understanding the customer's perspective. Reflecting definitely takes more time, but by listening to understand accurately means you can save time too, because you won’t have errors in communications. But more likely, it’s our own thoughts and opinions, which is specifically known as confirmation bias, which is our tendency to pick out facts or aspects of a conversation that support our pre-existing beliefs, values or perceptions. Grandma Eklund said it more concisely: “You’re only listening for what you want to hear.”. Why 'Listen to Reply' Instead of 'Listen to Understand' Is the Key to Failure!! Your only focus is understanding the customer's perspective. Listening Focused, concentrated attention for the purpose of understanding the meanings expressed by a speaker., at its best, is active, focused, concentrated attention for the purpose of understanding the meanings expressed by a speaker. “No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.”. This phenomenon is called Miller’s Law, after psychologist George Miller who said in 1980 that “In order to understand what another person is saying, you have to assume that (their answer) is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.”  Miller found that many people apply this principle in reverse, or what’s known as competitive listening. Don’t add emotion. I used to think it was about forcing yourself to listen better, but in fact, it’s about allowing yourself to listen better. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. This is where the trouble starts. How’s the eye contact? Depending upon the individual, it could be between a few seconds to up to a minute. Reminds me of one of the Covey maxims: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” I’ve worked with people who are actually intimidated by those who concentrate on what’s being said, and pause for reflection before responding. As a consequence, we don’t pay full attention to what the other person is saying or filter what is being said; … This paradigm is completely different from the usual paradigm. “No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.” Proverb. That “Covey maxim” is actually from St. Francis of Assisi! You may immediately understand the words and sentences, but you will not immediately understand the overall purpose. Initially I had no idea what the heck that meant. —— Tattoos are always difficult to render, but these tattoos are particularly difficult because of the tight line work, and how I want to light to interact with the tattoos/skin. If you’re not ready to listen – you’ve been caught unawares in the lift, a topic comes up as a tangent during another conversation – say you’re not ready to listen, but immediately give a deadline that’s sooner than later. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. Listening, on the other hand, is purposeful and focused rather than accidental. Physically relax and get comfortable. A leader while working with other people must listen and understand their view points. "Listen with the intent to understand, not the..." - Stephen Covey quotes from BrainyQuote.com Ana calma from Philippines AUGUST 31, 2019 Exactly. Listen for the big picture, not the details. This paradigm is completely different from the usual paradigm. You are able to separate facts and interpretation of facts (feelings) and respect both without discounting either. It might be something as simple as our physical and emotional state. It’s true: We often listen with a specific goal in mind, with the intention to reply, to share our perspective, or to convince the other person. ). Listen to Reply By Joseph Schany - | Sep 29, 2020 Years ago, while completing management training within “Corporate America” , I wrote a report on the most applicable and valuable lesson from The 7 habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey (Try to suppress that yawn and hear me out! Your email address will not be published. This allows you to enhance your ability to understand where your customer is coming from. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. Don’t just say what you were planning to say. Treasure is probably on to something, but the real issue is a combination of two other innate issues involving the human brain. And I am glad that I did because I came across this little gem - "Listen with the intent to understand, not to reply." As a result, our comprehension plummets. The speaker can also cause the delay in listening, because of the volume, pace, tone or accent of their voice, their non-verbal communications (gestures, eye contact, among others). It’s always interesting to look at the historical context of what people consider ‘new’ information. Simple: you can’t. So while it may be commonly referred to as the St Francis Prayer, it actually appeared for the first time in French in 1912. With the right questions, a conversation between two people with opposing opinions can go from a frustrating stalemate to a productive debate. Listen fully and wait until they are done to ask questions or add your thoughts. Listening requires dedicated concentration and a willingness to understand what the other person is saying. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey But, at this stage, my goal is to get them laid out as accurately as I can, and then go back and refine. What aren’t they saying? If you're not ready to listen- for example, you've been caught unawares in the lift, a topic comes up as a tangent during another conversation - say you're not ready to … I’m still on the way. During that lag-time, we start to listen to ourselves and not to the other person. To ensure that things are done right, the first time, managers need to provide subordinate managers with the appropriate information up front. It’s true: We often listen with a specific goal in mind, with the intention to reply, to share our perspective, or to convince the other person. The answer is, when you listen to respond, as Bruce mentioned in his article. Thanks . It’s not even cheating to listen while you’re at your child’s soccer game (at least not as far as the book is concerned). Listening Pass It On® Pass It On® share tweet pin email print. 4. This is important! What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying, you are already thinking … In which you by listening to understand, not to reply, support the learner to talk things out loud, and to externalise their thoughts, in order to: (1) articulate what they have experienced, how they have reacted to it, what they understand about it and what they learned form it; and (2) to decide how to proceed forward. us are listening to reply and not listening to understand. Really is in depth and makes me think rationally about a bad conversation I had with a friend that totally let his emotions fuel his words, which proceeded to spark a flurry of loud words which made me quite upset. Stephen R. Covey. Listening is a vital interpersonal skill and it supports us in the ability to communicate and interact with people. nov 15, 2014 - we listen to reply instead of listening to understand Ask the person to follow-up with their points in writing, if necessary. Your comment really struck me because I feel like we all kind of experience what you have at some point or another. Instead, we want to paraphrase what we did understand, and then ask a question about what we didn’t understand. Few people expect the listener to be contemplative, so they might be genuinely surprised they were actually heard and understood. May these quotes inspire you to listen so that you may succeed in the pursuit of your dreams. Tailored In-House Training in Business, Communications and Creativity. At the same time, they might be distrustful, so you may also need to tell them, genuinely of course, that you’re thinking about what they said. Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. Those questions force you to put yourself in the shoes of the person in front of you, and it becomes much more difficult to argue with this person. 2. New posts appear each Monday (Sydney, Australia EST), Please enter your email address to subscribe to my posts and receive notifications by email. A very profound and thought provoking concept we can all relate to. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply,” wrote Steve Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. “Listen with curiosity. Via The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: That way there is no room for misinterpretation, etc. Your email address will not be published. It’s always better to ask questions than to assume that we know what they’re talking about. 3. ----- Binoy is an Engineer by profession and a social worker by passion. As a result, it requires motivation and effort. The idea I want to focus on in this post is the idea of the mentor as the ‘sounding board’ — a listener who amplifies the mentee’s voice, not their own. You are curious. Empathy means placing yourself in other person’s shoes and tuning yourself into the same wavelength as the speaker. In order to be a good listener, we first need to learn how to be silent. Isn’t this … If so, ask yourself Why might this speaker’s message be true? Confirmation bias is arguably connected to how slow people speak vs. how fast we listen. In 2006, Dr. Ralph Nichols – who established the first study in the field of listening nearly 40 years ago at the University of Minnesota – quantified that we spend 40 percent of our day listening to others, but retain just 25 percent of what we hear. Published on November 7, 2018 November 7, 2018 • 10 Likes • 0 Comments Or, if you’ve missed a point, you can demonstrate you want to hear their points more exactly. Taking the advice to listen to understand instead of to reply is very important in relationships with coworkers, partners, parents, and anyone else in your life. Stephen Covey describes this concept very eloquently and effectively in 7 Habits…and it is summarized wonderfully in this piece at Fast Company: “Using Empathic Listening to Collaborate.” Instead of our usual listening “with intent to reply to control, to manipulate,” it (Empathic Listening) means getting “inside of another person’s frame of reference. We listen for what’s behind the words.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart. Because the brain isn’t using its full capacity when listening, the brain drifts off to other questions. Instead, giving your employees the feeling that you (as a leader) are truly listening, has great impact. Listen On Repeat is the #1 site to replay YouTube videos. Excellent information that I wish more people would read! The best way to make someone feel like they are not being heard is to interrupt or talk on top of them. Listening Pass It On® Pass It On® share tweet pin email print. What’s the difference? Years ago, I can’t remember the book, but I remember reading the following expression… Listening to understand versus listening to respond. Only listen. Listening to reply is the standard way that most people communicate. How can you understand someone else within a few words and reply with an entire story? I am going to take a lesson from this post and make certain that I do a better job of listening with more concentration, patience and respect for what is being communicated to me!
2020 listening to understand instead of listening to reply